Being a parent is perhaps one of the most challenging roles you will ever have as an adult. Raising a child requires sacrifice and continual adjustment of your own needs. Parenting brings about huge changes to your routine, lifestyle, and dynamic with your partner. Suddenly, your time is split in a new way and you have to cooperate on tasks such as childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc. Parenting also affects your sex life and general stress levels. However, these are all good challenges that ultimately lead to a more mature you. Here are some tips to help you thrive as parents:
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
The foundation of any great relationship is good communication. Parenting may trigger strong emotions, but it is crucial to recognize when your feelings are also tied to your partner’s actions. This is especially true when you are sleep deprived. If you feel that things have reached a critical point, take time to discuss the situation. This can be done in a group setting, with a counselor, or one on one. If you are feeling defensive because you think you are being attacked, try to recognize why. Talk about your feelings so that your partner doesn’t feel attacked, either.
Make time for each other
When you have a baby, you make all these plans for the future, like going on a vacation, getting a dog, having more kids. Suddenly, life changes, and you have to adjust your plans. Most couples who have children experience a decline in sexual frequency. You are tired, and your hormones are going crazy. Your libido may be low and your partner may feel unattractive. Try to find ways to reconnect. If you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know how hard it is to stay in touch when you can’t physically be together. You can use technology to stay in touch, but you also have to make time to be physically together, even if this means compromising your sleep. An adult couple can function very well on 4 hours sleep, but a baby can’t.
Don’t forget about yourselves
This is one of the hardest challenges of parenthood. We feel that we have to be everything to our children and nothing to our partners. We believe we have to be Supermoms and Superdads, even though we are just humans. Some things you can do to make sure that you both remain active parts in your child’s life is to take turns with your child care tasks, leave the house for date nights, try not to compare your child to others, and don’t let your child interrupt your special time with your partner. When you were dating, you had a lot of special time together, but this changes when you become parents. You are so focused on your child and your partner has to deal with the strains of new parenthood. Some things you can do to make your partner feel special are to give them space. Let them read a book, watch a movie, or just be in silence.
Establish boundaries and stick to them
Boundaries in a relationship are crucial to growth and sustainability. In parenting, you may have to sacrifice your own boundaries in order to meet the needs of your child. When you feel that your child is taking more than their fair share of your time, energy, and resources, it is essential to establish boundaries for your child and partner. This does not mean that you are being selfish. For example, if you want to go to bed by 10pm and your partner is breastfeeding your child, then it is your responsibility to put your foot down. If your partner is breastfeeding, they also have a responsibility to let you know when they need some time alone. Letting your child know that they can come to you with anything but still giving yourself and your partner time to be alone is an example of a healthy boundary.
Bottom line
Parenting will bring out the best and worst in you. It is important to understand that each person has their own journey and the need to unload and vent to your partner is not always necessary. Keep in mind that your partner is going through the same journey as you. They may not have the same strengths as you, but they have their own ways of coping with parenthood. There will be times when you feel like you are failing at parenthood, but remember that every parent fails and succeeds. These are times when you have to be patient with yourself and your partner. Remember to breathe and give yourself permission to feel however you need to feel. At the end of the day, parenting is a team sport. You are not in this alone.
